It's Ok if Your Brain Hurts Right Now.

 I love when friendship is easy. You do too. There's a reason why we gravitate towards people like us.

Thursday night I saw a musical about women, performed by women, with women. And not just any women. But women who don't judge me for eating more than my share of the Oktoberfest menu loaded fries. Women who have my kids' back as much as I do. Women who know what it's like to live in that narrow space of loving Jesus intensely and believing that loving like He does puts us in a position where we are misunderstood sometimes. Women who get excited about learning, and reading, and education and goals. And it was so refreshingly...easy...I'm so thankful for this mental break in an exhausting world.

As we made our way down Mill towards the beautiful, birthday cake-shaped Gammage theater, designed by Frank-Llloyd Wright, I was reminded of the many things I learned on that very same ASU campus about why most relationships aren't very easy, and why they require an exhausting amount of higher thinking skills, empathy, and a stubborn grip, at least on the ones that are worth fighting for.

My favorite professor, in my favorite class, taught us some things about social psychology that I'm finding more relevant in the past five years than ever before. 

1. Social Categorization

It's common for us to try to quickly categorize people based on a few superficial traits. If we know one or two key things about them, we assume we know it all. It's almost like the Netflix feature of "People who watched (A), also enjoyed (B)."  Maybe it's to protect us from hurt or disappointment. We want to know quickly if they're "our people".  Can I be my authentic self in front of them without fearing I'll lose them or be judged harshly? Will they agree with what I have to say or are we going to have to wrestle with hard conversations? It's not unusual to think this way and it probably saved our ancestors from trying to pet a Saber Tooth Tiger or something. It might even be natural. 

But, I've argued before, I'm not called by God to act natural. And I am not a caveman.

God made each of us unique, and we've all had unique experiences, our brains have created different paths and patterns, and most of probably don't fit too neatly into any box. I know that I have had a lot of experience with being miscategorized, and it's not fun.

Here's a few examples (and I must point out the majority of this has to do with people who know me mostly through social media or shallower in person interactions):

Sometimes people who don't know me well might put me into other boxes I don't actually fit in once they find out that I'm a devout Christian. There's an assumption that I'm part of a cultish hate group, and that they know exactly how I voted, what medical decisions I make, whether I own weapons, or have been part of a major scandal cover up. In reality these other boxes are unrelated to what makes someone a Christian. 

I'm one of many Christ followers who feels passionate about speaking up for the compassionate and humane treatment of all people whether ally or enemy, documented or undocumented, innocent or guilty. There are lines that should never be crossed in how one image bearer behaves towards another image bearer. Everyone is created by God and is someone's son or daughter. Speaking, posting, reading, or acting on these convictions sometimes causes wild speculation that I agree with EVERY single left policy to its most extreme. Whether I spoke towards that or not. It's happened to me twice in one week.  But it's entirely possible to hold some very traditional views on family and the sanctity of human life while also believing born lives matter just as much. It's entirely possible to want justice for victims of violent crime and believe that God the only one who gets justice right with 100% accuracy. It's entirely possible to believe in laws and order, and to see how immigration is a million times more complex than just "wait in line" and the process needs to be reformed. It's possible that our opinions on these things are a product of our upbringing in the church, not despite it.

I could go on about the many assumptions people who don't get to know me well might make based on just a few pieces of information.  But I'm not alone here. You've been put in categories too. All homeschool moms..., all people who voted for proposition____, all people who like country music, all people with a certain skin color or country of origin, all people who co-sleep or baby-wear or buy baby food and formula, all people who like musicals, play basketball, have a tattoo, or work in agriculture, or accounting, or law...It's just lazy thinking. And we're probably all a little bit guilty of it.

2. Cognitive Dissonance 

The second thing, which may be even more relevant than this need to categorize, is the idea of "cognitive dissonance." It is absolutely painful to our brains to hold two conflicting beliefs simultaneously. For example, if my husband were to think, "I really have a lot of respect for (Joe). But I just found out that (Joe) is a Dodgers fan", either he's going to stop having respect for (Joe), or he's going to start questioning if maybe the Dodgers aren't pure evil after all. We all hope the people we love will chose the option where they quit thinking what we believe is dumb and they keep respecting us. And it hurts like heck when they chose the idea over the person (us). 

Have you been there?

I have.

I'm learning that I can't control what others think.  I can only control how I behave and how I react. 

If I have a strong belief I feel they need to know about for the good of themselves and others I should absolutely voice that. But in a way that is kind and reasonable, and in accordance with Romans 12:18 "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE:

To be fair, there are absolutely deal breakers. Behaviors that are dangerous to be around, for which I must just love someone from a distance. Ideas so toxic that someone can't be trusted. Maybe some of you reading this have escaped an abusive relationship or have someone you absolutely cannot bring your kids around because of the types of sins they're a slave to. You are absolutely wise and strong for setting strong boundaries. 

After several years of this strange new world, I've decided that if 90% of my interactions with a person have usually been online and those interactions are typically judgmental, or demeaning, then I am released to let that relationship go. It's not edifying to either of us.

But most of the time:

But most of the time? Fear, or pride, or emotional laziness is what causes me to want to quickly categorize and then cave under the discomfort of the cognitive dissonance. 

Keeping a relationship and also holding onto the things we know to be true despite cognitive dissonance is a heavy weight in the gym of life. We could work up to it with practice and repetition. But we often haven't left ourselves the margin in our life for that kind of training. We eye the wall of weights, use the "social categorization" tool to quickly eliminate anything too heavy, and lean into the cognitive dissonance to give up the ones we pick up that cause us to feel that resistance. 

Now I understand that not every weight is for us. But we're never going to be emotionally mature people if we're too quick to only stick with what's comfortable.

I have to keep reminding myself that I can do hard things. 

I can believe that two things can both be true at the same time.

 I can love someone and disagree.

I can seek to understand someone's back story, or what information and experiences brought them to this difference. 

I can change my opinion about something when faced with new information, even if it means someone I like and trusted was wrong. That isn't being disloyal.

I can believe the best about people until there's reason not to.

I can see people as complex and their opinions nuanced. 

I can learn to give the same grace I want to be given. 

I can speak up for what I know to be right and true, while still loving those who don't see it with the same eyes. 

And, in the end, I have permission to let them do what they will with that information. They may not have done the training yet. They might not be able to hold the heavy weight of either changing their mind about a long-held belief or loving someone they disagree with well, and if they let go, I can let them. And that doesn't mean I failed.

P.S. 

After writing the rough draft of this I had a haunting question. What if the thing I need someone to understand is SO important for them to know, because I love and care about them? What if I can't just "let it be"?

I think there's hope and comfort in remembering that cognitive dissonance OFTEN leads someone to "hear out" the people we already have a solid relationship with. There are no guarantees, but when we resist burning the bridge, and we continue to be kind, decent, trustworthy people in their lives, it can lead to an openness to a change of heart. 

Don't give up too easily, friends.