I Just Want My Phone Back

 So... I've had this aching pain going down my neck and into my shoulders for two weeks now. Sometimes It's accompanied by the feeling that my sinuses are also trying to birth something inside my face somewhere between my cheek bones and where my eye socket meets the top left corner of my nose.

And I'm guessing it's a manifestation of stress. This feeling that the whole world is going to fall apart if I don't stress about it enough.

Some of that is normal job stress I supposed. Like, some teenagers in the classroom I was subbing for Thursday may have ordered Chick fil A to the school via door dash, even though phones are definitely prohibited during the school day. And we got two noise complaints from the class testing next door even though I thought it was actually quieter than it sometimes is. So now I'm feeling extremely insecure about classroom management skills because other than those two things I'd say it was a pretty good day.  And there's the pastors stuff...guilt that I'm not doing enough, being present enough. Not fixing all the things that are hurting these people I care for. Really that same stress could apply to my family as well. Probably especially my family. I've missed enormous things that were happening in our extended family that I'm embarrassed to even mention because I was just too busy to ask. And I feel it all the way up my neck.

But most of its stuff even more outside my realm of control. 

I think you know the kind of stuff. Maybe. I recently finished listening to the Rise and Fall of Mars Hill podcast. And I felt so angry listening to it. Angry that the rise and fall of people's entire relationship with God has been tied to a very unwell, unqualified, and narcissistic man who was seen as one of God's representatives here on earth. And that he's still a "successful" pastor right here in Arizona. I wrote a whole blog post about what I learned but I doubt I'll publish it.

I open up my google homepage, I get on the treadmill at the gym and tune into the news playing on the screen, or I scroll through my social media, and every single day I'm hit with something more shocking. The kind of thing that even the best writers couldn't make up. We've made enemies out of our allies, as the world watches in horror and disgust. 

I scroll by blogs, and memes, as a new and strange form of theology twists scripture to help us justify cruelty, blame victims, and numb the emotions that should rise in us when we see the suffering of others.

My neck throbs. My stomach turns. My blood pressure rises.

And I wonder sometimes why I bother to worry about it. Why I allow it to cause me stress. Why I "voice" my opinions on this stuff to people who I can't change. 

Yesterday it came to me. The analogy that only the mother or teacher or pastor of teenagers can fully grasp.

In the mostly text-based social world of GenZ, the worst thing that can happen is for a malicious or just plain goofy friend to take your phone mid-text conversation.

To share the mean, or rude, or too personal words that you would never use in a conversation while pretending to be you. When I hear "I just want my phone back." I know it's definitely time to intervene because things are about to go very, very badly, because when someone steals your phone the person on the other end thinks they're talking to you, but instead it's someone pretending to be you and representing you very, very badly.

I think that's exactly why these things are so triggering for me. What I see on the news is people being mean, or just plain foolish as an American. What I heard listening to the Mars Hill podcast was a pastor being prideful, cruel, and selfish as a pastor. When I hear the Bible used to justify being unmerciful, arrogant, and cold, they're doing that as a Christian. I want to yell, "That's not me! They stole my phone!"

I can't quit caring and knowing. The most atrocious times in history happened, first, because the people with the least ability to empathize had the most power, and because the people who did care became overwhelmed, scared, and exhausted. 

But I also can't do what I need to do or be what I need to be in a constant state of fight or flight. Taking the advice of those wiser than me, I have thoughts on keeping my care sustainable.

1. It's ok to take breaks. The other day I got ready to dutifully watch the news and recognized I just couldn't take it. I listened to my Audio book instead. When new stuff is flying at us fifteen times a day it's ok to not know everything all the time. It's ok if I'm not the first to know. 

2. Trade worry for prayer. We confuse the two sometimes. But mulling over a problem in my head is not the same as actually giving it to God. One holds it. The other offers it. I notice a shift in myself and my ability to recognize clear solutions when I take the time to write to God about what is worrying me, what I hope he does with it, and I ask him to show me how I can help.

3. Be ridiculously grateful. When all the "what's going to happen" and "I'm just so mad I could explode" moments have us stuck in our amygdala and locked out of the prefrontal cortex, there are some very intentional ways of utilizing gratitude to bring us back to a place where we are effective grown-ups again. I like to notice and thank God for something I can see (Red Mountain, quail running around, the pretty light blue walls in my room...), hear (birds chirping, the coffee pot running), smell (once again, the coffee...desert rain, orange blossoms), taste (also the coffee, the Mentos I just pulled out of my purse, etc.), and touch (fuzzy slippers, warm blanket, soft sweater, or damp grass). I very quickly feel grounded again, and able to trust my responses better.

I also make a point to include gratitude in my daily prayers, and text a few things I'm thankful for each day to a small group of ladies I communicate with regularly.

4. Chose one or two things I can do right now that are at least a little helpful. Sometimes it's a charity to give to, a spending habit to change, a petition to sign or a school board meeting to speak at. When things are overwhelming, we either wear ourselves out quickly by sprinting a marathon, or we freeze and do nothing. I'm often a freeze and do-nothing person. Ask anyone who was there at that VBS when a little girl threw up in the hallway. I stood there saying, "Ummmm....ummmmm...." while the two young adults with lifeguard training cleaned the whole thing up. But maybe if I'd just chosen one small task to start with (paper towels? trash can?) I could have been a little more help. Maybe that's what's happening. Someone just threw up a little in the hallway and standing there, frozen, gaping at the horror of it, isn't helpful. We need to keep our wits about us enough to pick a step and together we can help clean some of this up. 

5. Believe that the people who matter most know that someone stole my phone. As I was talking through this yesterday, Dan validated that the reason I post things or get so incredibly triggered by so much of this is because I don't want the world to think that I want to send my Ukrainian refugee friends back to a war zone. Or take over Greenland. Or take food away from starving children. Or spread Measles, Mumps, and Rubella. But Dan reassured me that the people who love me already know this. I pray that I've lived my life in such a way that anyone who knows me could recognize a message that doesn't match my own heart. There are lots of kinds of Americans, churchgoers, and even pastors. Thinking people understand we're not all exactly the same. And so, I don't have to constantly clarify or defend because those who matter already know.

If you're also struggling with the frustration that it feels like who you have always identified yourself as is being represented poorly, know that you're not alone. Take care of yourself. Rest up. Because we've got a lot of work to do.