Should I "Stop People Pleasing" in 2025?

My Table Nazarene Church congregation started off this new year by kicking off the six-week study on Practicing the Way by John Mark Comer. It's all about spiritual formation and how we're shaped by the tiny things we choose to fill our minds and our time with. Clearing space to hear God more clearly and embracing the spiritual disciplines not as goals themselves so much as gifts that assist us on the journey as we are transformed into the image of Christ.

There’s this one New Year’s Resolution I feel like I’ve read a lot this week. Stop People Pleasing. It’s been in videos, memes, posts…you know the list. And I roll the words over in my mouth and try them on for size in my mind. My aim is to be a disciple of Christ. The word Christian literally means “little Christ”, so I want to mirror him. Is “Stop People Pleasing” compatible with this?

Yes and No.

I think this phrase translates differently for different people.

It could mean:

Stop striving for people’s applause.

Yes! I have spent way too much of my life feeling like I need to justify myself. Do the things noticed. Get credit. Work for a thumbs up, a pat on the back, or a gold star.

I chose to stay at home with my kids when they were little. That choice was a luxury. And just one of many great choices I could have made. But I always felt this need to make sure that everyone knew I did have a college degree, and I KNOW stuff, and that I keep very busy trying to perfect the art of motherhood. If my husband didn’t come home and notice how shiny and clean the floors where I was devastated. What if he thought I was dead weight? I DID things, for goodness' sake! Sometimes with my working friends I made such a case for why I was staying home that it probably hurt them in the process of convincing myself.

Later as a paid Children’s Pastor I noticed I gravitated towards the tasks that were easily seen-outreach events, big projects, new ministries. I always felt this need to do something that people could look at and say, “She’s really producing results!” Which is ironic because we went through a season during COVID in which producing those types of results was like rolling the boulder up a hill. And often, the pursuit of visible productivity came at the cost of some of those less visible things with more lasting results. Prayer. Discipleship. Spiritual Development. Follow through. Long conversations. Showing up. To be clear, this pressure came from within. But it’s something I am trying to unlearn.

One of the biggest lessons I HAVE learned recently is to start worrying less about what people think and more what God knows. I’m a work in progress. I will still post this, and I still hope that someone “likes” it. But I know that’s not the point.

“People Pleasing” can also mean:

Positive Perception at All Cost.

Maybe I shouldn’t share this, but here is my life-long kryptonite. I want people to like me and think of me as a good and nice person more than almost anything in the world. It motivates me more than chocolate, coffee, money, power, fame...just like me! Tell me I'm nice! That's all I really want! And yes, I have sought professional help with this.

The problem isn’t with being likeable. We SHOULD be likeable. Likeable is typically a sign that we’re a contributing member of our community, we are a team player, we are pleasant and bring joy. The New Testament tells us that Jesus “grew in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man” and the Church of Acts 2, “enjoyed "the favor of all the people." That sounds pretty likeable. So, being likeable isn’t really the problem.

The problem also isn’t with being nice. I don’t buy the whole “Jesus doesn’t call us to be nice” message that’s been circulating lately, with some high-profile pastors which won’t be named (they're very good at being unlikeable by the way...so if that's what they're going for, good job!). I constantly see God and his messengers reminding us to do our best to get along with others, to be considerate, kind, gracious, and generous. I don’t know what others call this, but I call this nice.

The ugly secret though, is what I’m obsessed with is being perceived as likeable and nice. That’s not an entirely selfless motive. It can cause me to try to control things that are not mine to control. It can cause me to fake my way through negative feelings like resentment.

It can also mean that I sometimes have sacrificed putting a stop to sin because I value the acceptance of the wrong people. I'm not just talking about telling someone smoking is bad for them (I did that once when I was five and the lady, a friend of my parents, laughed and said, 'It sure is!'). It means that things like benefiting from system of oppression, staying quiet as someone is being slandered, or correcting dangerous misinformation, and sometimes this will make people "not like me" anymore. All of God’s laws basically boil down to loving God most and then being gentle with all he’s created Even the Levitical laws often address preventing the spread of disease, and correct treatment of the land and animals. If that is true, then has my silence at times been violence? 

This is the type of people pleasing I need to eradicate from my life as a follower of Jesus. There have been times in the last few years where I’ve found my voice and risked losing friends. And it felt awful and unnatural. But sometimes we need to inventory who we’re really trying to please and why.

There’s another way of looking at people pleasing, though.  For some people, I believe it means:

Stop caring how other people feel?

Or

Your problem is not my concern: I’ll worry about me, and you worry about you?

Sadly, these definitions are consistent with a lot of what I see. But I don’t believe this is the way of Jesus.

Our culture admires those who get rich off of exploiting the poor, the sick, the uneducated and the less connected. “Business is business.”

Our country has always prided ourselves on our rugged individualism, but we’re now living in an epidemic of disconnection with 1 in 2 adults in the U.S. reporting loneliness. The lack of support systems like extended family, church groups, and bonds with neighbors has cost all of us.

Many have become callous to others’ struggles. As an allergy mama I know this firsthand. Please hear me when I say that the vast majority of people we encounter, whether friends, or chefs, or school staff, take our concerns seriously, pray for us, and bend over backwards to keep Moses safe. We’ve had multiple friends message us this week to warn us about the fry ingredient change at our favorite “Sanctified Chicken Place” and it blesses my heart that they thought to warn us. But, I’ve also heard the comments of other moms before they realize that I am “that mom” who’s making their lives so much harder with the peanut free classroom, etc. And, if you have the stomach for it, read some of the comments under literally any article on food allergies posted on social media. I’m trying to quit reading and responding. But sometimes…I just can’t seem to help myself.

I know that we’re not the only ones. People with diabetes, disabilities, and immune deficiencies are all familiar with how the “Stop people pleasing/Do what’s right for YOU” mentality makes life tough and scarier than necessary.

Of course we can't control what others are feeling. It often has nothing to do with us. But caring and looking out for the good of others is part of the cruciform life that followers of the Way of Jesus signed up for.

 Philippians 2:3-4 tells us:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or empty pride, but in humility consider others more important than yourselves. 4Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Paul goes on to use the example of Jesus’ choice to empty himself of his rights as God to suffer and die for us, when we’d done nothing to deserve it.

I know that we don’t do these things because they make us happier and healthier. But the funny thing is…the research shows they do!

Psychologist and Holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl witnessed and experienced things during World War II that no one should ever have to. As a coping mechanism he kept track, in an almost clinical way, of the things he noticed during his time in the concentration camp and later recorded his observations in Man's Search for Meaning. He reported that the mental/emotional survivors saw their place in a bigger story. Regardless of whether they lived or died, there was something different about them. Those preoccupied with finding or restoring their own personal comfort alone broke the easiest. 

In an article in "Psychology Today", Helping Others is Good for Your Health Frank Martella cites a study in which a group showing more monetary generosity had a decrease in blood pressure similar to those following a strict exercise routine. It also noted more longevity in elderly people who provided 14 hours or more of caregiving to their spouse. Of course there is balance involved...even Jesus rested, right? But this was eye opening.

Could it be that our Creator designed us so that under ideal circumstances, we function best when we do the very things he desires for us to do, such as showing kindness and care? When it comes to health and happiness, "you" and "me" don't have to be mutually exclusive. Your health and happiness can make me happier and healthier too.

If you read all of this…wow…you either love me very much or you are out of shows to binge watch (may I make some suggestions?)! And if you read it, I hope you’re not mad that I didn’t give you a direct and precise answer to the question of whether “Stop People Pleasing” is a valid goal.

But here’s what I will say.

There’s a better question to ask than “Am I people pleasing?” And I think it’s “WHY am I doing this?”

Because we CAN stop trying to justify ourselves to everyone. God alone is our judge and only his applause matters.

We CAN stop enabling others to cause harm to ourselves, themselves, and others.

But we must NEVER, EVER stop caring and looking out for each other. We’re part of something so much bigger than ourselves, and that’s a beautiful and good thing.