Cling to What is Good
I read a fairly good mix. A few theology/philosophy books. I'm sloooowwwlly reading The Body Keeps the Score. I read some pop-fiction for my book club at the coffee shop. Quite a few who-done-its and psychological thrillers. But what's risen to the top lately have been the autobiographies of women who had to untangle their faith from things that seem like faith but had instead become a roadblock to a deep and loving relationship with their Father.
In I Didn't Survive, Naghmeh Abedini Panahi tells about her relationship with Jesus, her experience with the underground church in Iran, and her marriage to Pastor Saeed. Her story was vaguely familiar. I remember a few years ago, when for a short period many of my evangelical friends shared on social media, urging believers to pray for the safe release of Saeed, a Christian pastor imprisoned for his faith in Iran. I did not know much of his story, but pictures of his wife and kids tugged at my heart. Those same evangelical friends were ecstatic over his eventual safe release, and then the story faded. However, there was another side to this story. One that easily could have rattled the faith of any of his supporters...except maybe the one who he'd hurt the most.
I doubt you want a full book report or synopsis here. But, to summarize it, Naghmeh's story isn't primarily a tell-all, exposing Saeed as mentally unwell, and dangerously abusive. It's primarily about a woman born in Iran, who the Holy Spirit pursued from an early age, who learned of a God who loved and cared for her. I admired her courage to follow the call back into Iran after living in the safety of the U.S.A. and enjoying religious freedom for so long. I appreciated her perspective as she shared her observations of the differences between the God-centered persecuted churches in Iran under persecution, and the man-centered commodity the free church in the U.S.A. easily can turn into. I learned from the way respect and notoriety as a "great pastor" changed her husband Saeed for the worst. After many years of living a lie to protect the man who'd beat her, psychologically nearly broken her, cheated on her, and violently put her own father in the hospital, many did not believe her when she became more honest with herself and others. In fact, even after knowing the truth, Franklin Graham pressured her over and over to "do her part" to reconcile with her abuser. It didn't look good that the man he'd so publicly backed had frightened his own wife away. She stopped pretending. Stopped being bullied. But she did not stop loving Jesus, and she did not abandon her faith in his saving grace. Something about that struck a chord with me. Things about her faith changed, but that did not mean she had lost her faith. It was truer than ever.
Of course, then "You might also enjoy..." led me straight to Jinger Duggar Vuolo's book, Becoming Free Indeed. She makes it clear that this is not a tabloid about how Jinger hates her family and lost her faith. What she did do, was discuss the unentangling of her God-made faith from a man-made emphasis on appearances, behaviors, and shaming manipulation.
Confession...I've been a lot bit curious about the Duggars for awhile. First of all, growing up in the church in the 80's and 90's there were several families I admired very much for their strong faith, convictions and counter-cultural lifestyle who reminded me quite a bit of the Duggars. My own later faith formation and education in Biblical studies led me to realize that while these same people may truly have had a beautiful relationship with God, these behaviors were not necessarily the indication of that. Nor were long hair, denim skirts, and "kissing dating goodbye" what God was truly asking of us. They were based on a very 20th century, American style of scripture interpretation. I was slowly able to leave behind the guilt I felt for not having the self-discipline or stick-to-itness that these more fundamentalist friends had. But of course, the documentary Shiny, Happy People brought back a lot of childhood memories. An internet deep dive led me to realize that one of my early childhood friend's families were indeed very, very close with Gothard and the Institute of Basic Life Principles that the Duggars are involved with.
Throughout the book I identified with many of the feelings of "never enough" that Jinger felt growing up. The way she worried that anything that brought her joy must be a sin. Or the way she'd misunderstood the role of women in God's kingdom. Which is why I cheered her on in the book as she began to see things more clearly and shed some of the baggage that held her back from understanding God's radical love for her. To give the glory to the only one who deserves it...God...not Gothard or any other human being.
Now do I think she's absolutely free from all that? Honestly, no. When I began researching where she currently goes to church, I realized that she's still under the guidance of yet another celebrity pastor who does not treat women as equals. And that made me kind of sad. But what I did love is that she recognizes that she can change what she believes about the details of faith without losing faith.
In a time of so much deconstruction, I love a story of reconstruction. Restoration instead of bulldozing. It might be one of my favorite themes.
Despite being an Xennial I do believe that there is absolute truth, at least about some things. But I believe we're not always great at understanding that absolute truth. It's an ability that is often shaped and formed with time and experience. And we probably will never get it all right and that's ok.
But may we never give up on growing and learning. May we be humble enough to let go of what we realize was never true. And may we cling to Who is truth.
"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good." Romans 12:9
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