Melting into May

 

What is it about May? It's like all the emotions I buried under so many feet of snow are now breaking the surface, as the cold melts away.

The changing of seasons triggers something. The rhythm of May, with it's warmth, it's rituals, and routines somehow makes fuzzy memories clearer, and my heart softer.

I write my feelings pretty easily and honestly. So, if you mostly know me "in writing" you probably don't realize this, but I've become adept at bottling emotions. Saving them for later. I'm not the person who gets a lump in her throat or who's voice cracks when I speak emotion-laden words. My eyes don't tear up during a sad movie, a wedding, or a funeral. I gave my dad's entire eulogy and my sister-in-law's wedding ceremony without "needing a minute." In a classroom erupting in chaos I can usually calmly state, "Let's keep making choices we're proud of" and "Show me what we're supposed to be doing" without feeling rattled. Usually. 

Last Friday I ran into a class that I just couldn't. My face betrayed me. They sensed my building frustration and took over. I became the adversary and I did something I hadn't done yet...I sent several students to another teacher. But despite what I try to say, this wasn't about badly behaved children...I felt I had failed because I ran out of emotional resolve. I let them see that their disrespect was effecting me, and that's something I thought I had a handle on. I did what I know one should never do...take it personally. It was a lesson learned. Especially a lesson learned about recognizing where I'm at emotionally and being honest about what I'm prepared to handle.

But, I'm getting hit by these thawing feelings in so many other ways this month.

Mother's Day. I picked out one card, and felt like I was missing someone. Because I am. We made plans and I felt this guilt over all the times when I must have made Susan feel like we were just squeezing her in or when I wondered why the grandmas got the "best" mother's day (because the mamas with kids at home don't really get the day off). I get it now. And I'm sorry.

I listened to a book on audible about a character with dementia. And memories of exactly a year ago at this time suddenly went from hazy to HDR clear. I replay the saddest of my memories with dad. Too sad to even write about. When it became obvious he was tired of "here" and just wanted to be with Jesus so badly, that even the things and people he loved most couldn't seem to keep him with us much longer. I forgot just how much it hurt to watch, and experience with him. But May came...and the air smells like it did, the sun beats down the same way it did, and I drive my boys to end of the year parties, and concerts, and graduation invites come in the mail...and everything's the same...but also everything is different.

And here we are at the end of the school year. And my baby is graduating from sixth grade. This school that he's attended for seven years, that was the answer to so many of our prayers. This school that I now don't just THINK was a great school but I KNOW is...won't be my little boys' school anymore. There are no more field trips, no more battle of the books, or family lunch days, or class parties. I chose this school because a friend who's daughter had a dairy allergy said they treated it seriously. I won't go into the things I heard about the lunch room and nurse's office policies at other schools...or how often a "peanut free room" somewhere else turned out to be not-so-peanut free. If you don't have a child with a life-threatening condition, there might not be any way to describe to you the anxiety I felt, the nightmares I had, and the scenarios I played out in my head before that first day of Kindergarten. And food allergies were just one of the things...he has asthma, and a history of skin cancer, the continued speech delay...the paperwork I turn in at the beginning of each school year is intense. I have come to realize over the last 12 years that a majority of people don't truly understand, and I'm glad for them that they haven't had to. But, dropping my baby off there was the single most scary thing I have ever done...and I have swam with sharks...

So, it's nurses' week. And seriously I could have brought those two wonderful women in the nurse's office winning lottery tickets and it wouldn't have been enough to express my thanks. But I didn't have winning lottery tickets, so I just brought crumble cookies with a note scribbled on the front with a sharpee I found in my purse. I even had to squeeze the last two letters of one of their names in so I probably looked a little unhinged. When I walked in, I tried to get out my words of heartfelt thanks as I placed it on the counter in the office. About how scary this whole school thing was for me, and how "We made it!" But I found I was talking too fast as the words tried to break up due to...the lump in my throat...

I made it to the car before the water works started. I felt like the Grinch asking..."What IS this?" Because, guys...this isn't me. 

But, I'm glad. Because I think I was ready for a good May melt. How about you?