April Showers Bring May Flowers?

Is April almost over? I promised myself at least one blog post a month-homework left to do or not. And though, I have no cohesive theme or strong impression weighing on my soul, needing to leap out onto page, I have had a busy April worth writing about I guess.

April 6th, Daniel turned 16-years-old! When he was little we had friends with teenagers, and I figured they must be really old. Now we have friends with toddlers and they probably think we are really old too. Daniel celebrated in a number of "Daniel ways." First, as his main gift and celebration he chose to attend a Sun's game with Dan, which the Suns won, thank goodness. I think this night also included spicy chicken sandwiches somewhere. Then, on his actual birthday one of his first school friends, Isaac, rode the bus home with us and we ate more spicy chicken (ATL wings) and participated in Parks and Rec trivia at Cup of Joey, along with our Pastor Ryan. We did not win this. But, that actually amazes me because between us we know A LOT about Parks and Rec, so I don't know what this says about these other people. 

Easter weekend was big. I saw a meme once of the Avengers slumped over, sleepily eating chicken shawarma after saving the world. The caption read "Pastors, the day after Easter." I think the caption should have said, "Pastor's FAMILIES the day after Easter" because Easter always is something kind of "extra" for everyone from the mamas trying to attach bow ties simultaneous to doing a sound check, teenage PK's trying to rearrange tables while chasing kids who are now trying to remove their bow ties...babies pretty sure it's naptime long before the last Easter lilly and plate of muffins has been cleared...But, Easter at the Table, along with our families' book-end events was both chaotic and lovely. It's hard to describe how special it felt celebrating our risen Savior together. This particular gathering of people that day represented so much fresh loss...and yet such hope because of Jesus.

So far in April I've enjoyed some great subbing jobs, including one day of High School English, followed by four straight days in the gifted and talented class at Moses' school. Unfortunately, I was not able to start an award winning rock band. School of Rock is an incredibly misleading movie, and has left me incredibly disappointed by the lack of electric guitar and percussion skills of our elementary school students. However, my four days in the GT class was seriously the most pleasant subbing experience I've had so far. Great students, great school, and great lesson plans were the biggest part of it. The teacher, the school, and many of the students were familiar which makes everything easier. But, also, between state testing and science camp, the class size was extremely small, so I had time to really enjoy getting to know each of the students. Although I was taller than some of them, I honestly probably wasn't smarter. There was a third grader there who has beaten Mr. R at chess. One of their assignments was video game design coding. Another was designing a toy with at least two moving parts. And, while playing a word game, one of the fifth graders corrected my spelling. "Maybe ask them to teach YOU something..." was the text I got from my friend, Pearl. Honestly, the best piece of advice I've received. I think I'll use that in all my classes from here on out. I think it's important for all kids to realize that we all have a lot to learn, even at 42. My next scheduled assignment is PE. And, if there's anything I have a lot about still, it's PE!

Moses enjoyed a fun cast party for the play he just finished, and is all signed up for summer drama day camp. He and Dan just got back from three days at school science camp. Everyone survived.

A lot of people have asked lately how we're "doing" as a family? And I'm glad, on one hand, people remember and care and realize that grief doesn't just go away after a few weeks. But, on the other hand I'm never sure what to say. What kind of answer fits into the little space allotted these kinds of interactions? How does one answer while still giving permission to then a few minutes later talk about the weather or the new series on Netflix? 

In our home one of us has lost our dad in the last six months. One of us has lost our mom in the last two months. And two of us have lost two grandparents in the last six months. And we grieve the way our larger family unit has changed because none of us are going to be the same. This month has brought firsts that seem to make grief a little more fresh again. My mom's first wedding anniversary without dad. It would have been their 61st. Our first holiday without Susan...filling and hiding the eggs, making the ham and the dirt dessert, reading an Easter story. Everyone feels this all differently...a heavy fog, real physical symptoms like head and stomach aches or a lowered immune system. Too many tears...or the not-enough, dry-heave kind of tears. The ones that feel more like the wind getting knocked out of your lungs. Or sometimes blank, numb nothingness. Wanting to be with people...not wanting to be with people. I medicate with "busy" sometimes so I can forget. But, this means that I suddenly find myself having to re-remember at odd times. When I want to just ask Susan a quick question, or when I picked up a favorite fabric and for a moment had that thought, "Maybe Susan can show me how to sew this into..." I remember when I see a man with a walker that reminds me of dad, or when I watched a show in which the main character sat in the office at a funeral home enduing a manipulative sales pitch...and suddenly I was sitting in that cold, quiet room again with my mom, surreally looking at urns. I catch myself saying things like "our parents' house." I think as seasons change there's just different reminders of different memories.

I think grief also shows up in our realization of how fragile life is. I had the stomach flu last week, and Moses said he worried about me all day at school. My mom's asthma flared up after a cold, and I slept with my phone inches from my face, volume turned up. I debated about sleeping on her couch. There's just a hard reality we've had to face, that sometimes things aren't ok.

But on the other hand, I think we've realized that even when horrible things happen, we can be ok inside. We've seen God grow beautiful things from the manure of life, and we know that April showers can bring May flowers.