Who's the Hitchiker?

There's this improv game that we play with the kids in children's church sometimes, when we have a little extra time to kill at the end of a lesson. Its called hitchhiker. Basically, there are four chairs, set up like a car filled with one driver, two passengers, and an empty seat. Someone in the audience enters the car and sits in the empty seat, in the role of the hitchhiker. The hitchhiker's role is to set the tone. They're the backseat driver. Prior to them entering, the car could be booming out "Sweet Caroline!" but if the hitchhiker gets in, puts in their headphones,  slouches down in their seat, and stares out the window, every other person in the car also becomes a sullen teenager. A few minutes later, the driver bails, everyone slides over, and a new hitchhiker gets in. Maybe they're yelling like a maniac, or have an incurable case of the giggles. Everyone else follows suit. You get the picture.

We may be in the driver's seat in that we are in control of our choices and behaviors, but we're not always aware of the impact of those backseat drivers we invite in. This can be seen in nearly every single area of our lives.

The people we invite to hold political offices in our country set a tone. Sure, that's not their resume piece. They do the grown up stuff like make laws and policies, blah, blah, blah, but it's not uncommon for a lot of their hard work to get erased by the end of the next administration. Perhaps the most important role of these people for our country has more to do with the mood they create and the way they represent us to the world. Ultimately, they're not in your driver's seat-you are-but what are the attitudes mirrored by you and the other passengers when they climb in the car?

But hold on, this doesn't stop with politics.

It's the same with who we choose as the principles of our schools, the pastors of our churches, the managers of our businesses. Is the tone they set hopeful? Welcoming? Gracious? The skills of the trade matter, obviously. I don't want anyone doing surgery on me who didn't even pass biology in high school (or doesn't know how to wear a mask properly, while we're talking about my requirements for a surgeon). But when it comes to leadership, one of the most important skills is the skill to inspire a positive environment.

I see this in my home as well. Mothers and fathers, we aren't the driver of our children's life. They are their own little people and we can't force anything really, permanently. But kids pick up and mimic an attitude like they're made for it. I'm going to confess this has gone really badly for us, and it's also gone really well. 

Daniel is terrified of anything that can sting and fly. Don't tell him I overshared. This is because I am irrationally terrified of bees. Some of his earliest memories are probably of me running from and yelling at bees that wouldn't leave my can of soda alone at the zoo. He now can tell you the name of every stinging, flying thing, and exactly how powerful and/or deadly they are. The murder hornets were big news in my house.

I remember when my kids were babies and toddlers and the more stress I was under, the worse they'd behave. They were no respecter of "mom's having a hard day." The day my grandma died? They were clingy, and needy. If I was driving and made a wrong turn or the traffic was bad? They'd cry and scream and fight in the back seat more than ever before. So of course I felt even more stressed and sometimes I'd even cry and scream too!

But, I've seen the pay offs of setting a positive tone as well. When Moses was in the hospital and doctors offices constantly for a little over a year while he battled melanoma, we had nurses and doctors tell us he dealt with this (the poking with needles, the medicines that made him feel sick, and all the things that he had to put on hold, that should've been part of a normal life) well because we did. Our tone with the doctors and nurses was intentionally grateful, patient, and matter-of-fact. Similarly, when Daniel was in the hospital for encephalomyelitis the nurses said they would talk about how we were one of the easiest families they'd worked with. Things were downright horrible sometimes, but we knew this was no one's fault.

I can only credit the work of the Holy Spirit, who carried us in a very special way during these times. And that I was in shock for about a year and after that had some professional help on board. But I learned a lot during that time about the impact we have on the way our kids view the world. It could have all gone so differently. 

The last place I see this hitchhiker effect is in our circle of closest friends and family. Proverbs 22:24-25 says, "Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare." This is solid advice. 

I am not one who believes in cutting anyone completely out of my life forever. Maybe there could be a few exceptions of it was for our safety. But I believe Jesus died for all. All are the Imago Dei (created in God's image). All are redeemable. I try to avoid burning bridges. But, we can be mindful of what role we let some people play in our life. Does this person you let into the hitchhiker's seat inspire you to want to be the best version of yourself? Do they bring joy? Energy and enthusiasm? Do they make you more empathetic, or use kinder words? Or, do you leave every conversation feeling grumpier, angrier, and lousy about yourself and others? I'm not saying that we shouldn't shoulder the burdens of those going through hard times, sit with them in their grief, or be a good listener. But, we should always be aware of where someone who is chronically bitter, negative, or angry sits in our life, and what kind of influence they're having on the people around them.

And sometimes, we have to pull a move my mother-in-law Susan has been known to use, and pull over to the side of the road, open the door and tell those guys to get out and walk. We love them, and we'll see them when they get home.