Momming Between a Rock and a Hard Place

 

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say this again. I’m not good at making decisions. I’m pretty much the worst. I remember sitting in Donald Miller’s Storyline conference and hearing him say something to the effect of “Good characters make clear and quick decisions. They don’t waste time on the things that don’t matter.” Within a few minutes we’d broke for lunch and I stood in the cafeteria of Point Loma completely paralyzed for what felt like an eternity, deciding whether I wanted bread with my salad, and if so what kind? A roll? Croissant? Texas Toast? White or wheat? Or should I go all in and make it a half sandwich? Crazy, right?! In that same conference I heard that Obama used to wear the same suit and eat the same boring bowl of oatmeal almost every morning. Because he knew that he had important, world-changing decisions to make every single day and he wasn’t going to waste that kind of mental energy standing in his closet or weighing cereal choices. I envy that.

In my defense, indecisiveness isn’t always a flaw. I think I’d make a terrible juror-but also a pretty good one. I don’t think I’d be quick to put someone away based on my first impression…at least, I hope. But the other jurors would HATE me because we’d never get to go home. Sometimes indecisiveness helps me be more open minded. I don’t want to make up my mind about a subject until I have heard from every possible side of things.

If you know me though, you’re probably already thinking it. I’m also kind of stubborn about my opinions. There’s a few that I will not budge on. The reasons are because it is SO hard for me to make up my mind and be confident about my decision. So, on those rare occasions I have a convincing enough amount of evidence to be certain, I’m not about to go through that exhausting and all-consuming process all over again. Most of the time I will admit that I just lean a certain way or that I “think” something. But in the rare occasion that I KNOW something, I KNOW.

The problem with 2020 (well…one of the problems) is there are just SO MANY things that we must decide. Some we would have never dreamt we’d ever have to have an opinion on. Is it better to keep the stores open or shut? How do I feel about masks? Should we have play dates with friends? How many rolls of toilet paper is prudent and how many is selfish hoarding? Can I start eating chocolate ice cream for breakfast if I am pretty sure the world is going to end soon anyway? Don’t even get me started on politics! And then there’s that impossible decision so many parents have had to make in the past week… “Are you continuing with remote online learning or returning in person?”

I felt uncertain. And then I felt certain. And then I wasn’t certain again. I talked to Dan. I talked to the boys. We thought about what each of these options looked like. And neither are what we want. We want healthy, happy, well-rounded kids, to take good care and show respect for the profession of teaching, to socialize, and work as a team with our community…and that’s just not all realistically possible at the same time right now. The actual options available are not what ANYONE wants. But sometimes that’s life. We don’t always get what we want. We’re no strangers to that.

As I sat staring at the screen and hovering my cursor over the answers on the screen, I knew in my heart I could not judge anyone for choosing differently from me in this situation. Because I really did see a million sides to these two choices. There’s a lot of things we can agree or disagree on. But the one thing I think most of us can agree on is we’re just stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Ultimately, after closing my eyes and praying one last time, I clicked the “continue remote online learning option.” It was not a perfect decision. Sometimes in life there are right and wrong answers, and then sometimes there’s answers that are just neither. For us it came down to a few things-

1.      1. My husband works in a hospital-we know what the ICU looked like a few weeks ago and it was no hoax or exaggeration. Personal friends and family members have gotten sick, spent time in the hospital, walked a LONG road of recovery, and some have even buried parents and grandparents. We have dear friends who are organ donation recipients, on life-long anti-rejection meds that bring their immune systems down to zero. So, we’ve taken this especially seriously. I know everyone’s experiences are different.

2.      2. I had to contemplate and wrestle with the constant accusations that we’re “living in fear.”  Honestly, I think we all have some things we’re afraid of no matter how you feel about COVID-19-it just might be different things. We’re not letting fear keep us from the things that are necessary or worth it-we’re just being extra “choosey” right now so that we can keep doing the things that mean the most to us. And I think the things that matter most and are necessary and worth it, might look different to different people. If you NEED to get out and do Sunday brunch with your best friend, that’s okay! Do it as safely as possible. If it’s worth it to jump through the hoops involved with sending your kids to school so that you can keep your job or they can get the special help they need, that’s okay too! We’re in this for the long haul and we might have to compromise a few things. Sometimes good and bad decisions are clear but sometimes they’re a little fuzzy. Selling drugs-bad idea…helping an elderly lady cross the street-good idea…having a small barbeque during a pandemic because you’re about to lose your full mind without seeing people…fuzzy…  

3.       3. Everyone in my house is at higher risk for a variety of reasons. In addition, we’ve been spending more and more time with my parents who live close by, since the actual quarantine ended. They are my favorite people outside of my home. And they are both in VERY high-risk categories. My dad is in his 80’s with multiple additional risk factors. I realize not everyone is in this category, although I would urge you to stop and take an honest assessment of who you are around and how best to keep their best interest at heart too. I think it’s what Christ wants of us, to put others’ needs before our own. Think about what that might mean for you and what impact that might make on the variety of decisions we have to make each day.

4.      4.  We can do this. The only way for the current learning models to work as planned is for a pretty balanced number of students to stay home as go in, I believe. It’s not ideal for us-I do work part time and go to school online myself-but it’s manageable. I have the best job situation possible all things considered and am not under huge financial strain. I am not the smartest, but I do have experience enough in education to come alongside my kids and their teachers to help make this work. In fact, I (we) spent several hours putting together a report on George Washington last night and I’m pretty sure my (our) work cited page blew everyone else in 8^th grade’s out of the water.

5.     5.  I’m less anxious if I just know the plan. In person learning still has so many unknowns. Maybe kids will return on September 14^th. Maybe they’ll be there on Monday and Thursday or maybe Tuesday and Friday. Maybe for a few weeks, maybe for a month. Maybe they’ll be an outbreak in their class and they’ll suddenly have to quarantine for two weeks. Maybe a week before we have a fun trip planned, or a long-awaited family get together, a kid sitting next to one of my boys could go home with a fever in the middle of the day, and we’d be back in some kind of limbo. I wish I were more adaptable…really, I do…but it’s easier just to plan on doing what we’re doing now until January.

I think we’ve just come to the place where we ask ourselves whether something is necessary or worth it. And if the answer’s yes, then we just try to find the wisest way to do it. My answers to those two questions are different today than they were last March or April. In April, the safest way to hang out with my sister was over zoom. Last Saturday it became necessary and worth it to do that in person and the wisest way was seated outdoors. So my answers to those questions might be different than yours.

I want to be in this together, friends, moms...and if there are ways, we can help each other make this weird thing that looks nothing like we’d like it to work better, please share! I want to have your back! Because we’re all kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place.