The Art of a Good Apology

I am a Children's Pastor. I talk about Jesus while I sit on the floor and stack blocks, I plan events that involve slime and water slides, and I take pre-teens to camps so that we can loose a lot of sleep and socks for a week at a time. And, talk about Jesus. Before this I was a preschool teacher. I broke up a lot of fights on playgrounds and in circle time. Because sometimes we just really wanted to sit on the blue star instead of the red circle. I am also a mom.I have two little boys who love each other almost as much as they fight with each other. So, I need you to know that I have a TON of experience teaching little people the art of a good apology. This is not to say that I have mastered the practice of this in my own life. My husband Dan has been the recipient of way too many terrible apologies from me. Thankfully, he has always offered me a second chance to do it better. We may have learned the art of a good apology from our preschool teachers once upon a time. But some of us missed that day or for some of us a lot of life has happened since preschool. So, I want to share with you some of the things that I have shared with my students over the years.

1. A good apology never has the word "BUT" in it. When I hear the words, "I'm sorry but..." come from a child I am teaching I ask them to please try again.

2. Your ability to apologize does not depend on the other person's readiness to forgive. You are responsible for you. When we apologize and truly recognize that we've been wrong, we do so knowing that the other person has every right to not forgive us. And if they do it is a beautiful gift that we need to appreciate as an uncommon graciousness. We are not entitled to forgiveness.

3. When we have been apologized to, the correct response is NOT "It's okay." When someone has been abusive, careless, thoughtless, it is not okay. And we are not doing them any favors to give them permission to continue living that way. We want better for them too.

4. If we are on the receiving end of an apology that we wish to accept, the correct response is simply, "I forgive you." Nothing more is needed.

I think one of our biggest problems is that for over a hundred years, we the people have been expecting an "It's okay" for things we've never truly, sincerely, and properly apologized for. In fact, we've sometimes either ignored or celebrated parts of our history that should be condemned. Let us ask what we can learn from Germany and South Africa. And let us never accept an "It's okay." Because it's not okay.

God's been working on my heart. I'm recognizing I have much to apologize for right now. All the things happening right now-the disease, the awareness of our part in destroying the environment, the politics, the unrest, the general brokenness of our world, it's all separate but it's all connected.

I'm sorry for making jokes before the Corona virus hit the U.S. that compared it to the boogie man. I was part of the problem. I am sorry for sighing deeply when volunteers started letting me know they were uncomfortable working with the kids for awhile because of the virus. I was thinking of myself and how that might complicate my agenda. I'm sorry for taking my kid to the orthodontist with the cough from heck when I was "pretty sure it was just allergies" because we didn't want to reschedule. I'm sorry for the times I've chosen in the past to put teachers, students, and even our own parent's life in danger when my kids have been unwell. I put my need to not look flaky or undependable by cancelling plans over others' safety. Over 100,000 people have died in my country in just a few short months, many because of decisions similar to ones I have made. I want to do better.

And right now I am grieved over the sins of our country for way too long. I am sorry for my place in that. I am sorry that I have not acknowledged how I have benefited from systemic racism. I am usually given the benefit of the doubt. I will never be asked to show proof of citizenship. My teenage son will never be called a "thug." I "look safe" and that gets me places. And, if I truly examine myself maybe I've been afraid to recognize these things for fear of loosing the privileges.

I'm sorry for times I've made assumptions about people I don't know. I'm sorry for the ignorant and hurtful things that I have said to or about my friends of color, especially when I was young and dumb. But maybe recently too. I'm sorry for times when racist comments were made in my company and I didn't call it out. I'm sorry for my silence thinly disguised as peace. I want to do better. Help me know better.

If you're a fellow follower of Christ and I've made you feel upset or ashamed, I urge you to stop and pray. I don't know your heart, I only know mine. But, it's our obligation to self-examine. My prayer for us is, Psalm 139:23-24, "23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:24 And see if  there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. 
But, if we still need to talk, let us talk. If I can say this better, I want to say this better. Let's dialogue. But let's not stay the same.